How trauma led you to allow disrespect; and what to do about it

Many anxious women with childhood trauma have developed a pattern of allowing disrespect, and here's why: 

• Trauma can lead you to feel unworthy of love and respect

• Trauma teaches you to respond to stress in flight-flight-freeze mode

• Trauma leads you to fear rejection or abandonment (so we hold onto people that aren't good for us)

• Trauma causes you to live in fear; saying "No" or "Stop" feels scary 

• Trauma leads you to believe that you're not capable of keeping yourself safe or cared for

• Trauma can lead you to learn and repeat cycles of helplessness and hopelessness

• Trauma can lead you to experiencing ongoing negative cognitions about yourself

Even more importantly to know... trauma lives in the body.  Therefore, even if you "rationally" know that something isn't okay, your body might keep you frozen in the "not-okay-ness." 

So how do you stop cycles of disrespect in your life?  How do you ensure that you no longer stand for another person physically or verbally disrespecting you?  What do you do?  What do you not do?  Let's talk about it... 

How to stop cycles of disrespect: 

1. Know your worth

You have to learn (and believe) that you are worthy of being treated with respect.  This is often done through connecting to your inner child or your inner teen and exploring what caused her to doubt her worth to begin with.  As you begin to recognize that your feelings of "worthlessness" aren't from YOU and instead stem from the wrongness you've experienced- you can start rewiring the way you look at yourself. 

2. Be self compassionate 

If you want to be treated with compassion, empathy and kindness... you HAVE to start treating yourself with compassion, empathy and kindness.  This can be especially challenging if you struggle with anxiety and past trauma- because anxiety (and trauma) will lie to you and cause you to think some of the most hateful thoughts about yourself (I know... I've been there too).  But self compassion isn't just about how you speak to yourself, it's about what you do for yourself.  Self compassion isn't experienced through thought alone... it's experienced through softness in the body (if you can create softness in the body, you can also create feelings of self compassion in your heart). 

3. Intervene on your internal patterns 

Really get to know your auto-pilot behaviors.  How do you typically respond to feelings of stress and anxiety?  Do you continually go to unsupportive people for support?  Do you continually open up to people that don't offer the empathy you're looking for?  Do STAY in situations that are harmful to your mental health in order to avoid more conflict?  Do you GO to situations you don't actually want to be in?  The more familiar you become with your internal patterns of behavior, the easier it will be for you to say "hell no!" to yourself. 

How do you ensure that you no longer stand for disrespect? 

1. Make boundaries about what YOU do and not about what others do 

Your boundaries are not about what you demand of others.  Your boundaries aren't just about telling people "No, don't do that" or "Stop treating me that way."  No!  Your boundaries are about how YOU choose to respond to behavior from other people.  For example, "No, I won't stand here and let you yell at me" or "I'm leaving, I'm not subjecting myself to this kind of treatment" or "I won't be attending, I'm not comfortable around those people."  Your boundaries are YOUR boundaries. 

2. Be prepared to self soothe 

If your fight-flight-freeze response has kicked into gear, you're likely to repeat those same patterns of behavior that keep you in emotionally (or even physically) unsafe situations.  You have to de-activate your sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight) and activate your para-sympathetic nervous system (rest and digest).  When your parasympathetic nervous system is active, your survival brain no longer has to be; which means your rational brain can think more clearly and more boldly. 

3. Seek support and validation (ongoing) 

Obviously, as a therapist I'm biased- seek support from a therapist (because this shit is hard).  But if you don't want therapist, support can come from anywhere- it can be through friends, other family members, support groups, Facebook groups, subreddits, Instagram communities, a coach, or even a program like Creating Calm Group Coaching.  Support needs to also come from within.  Start to identify statements that are SELF VALIDATING and continually validate yourself and your choices.  It might be beneficial to schedule some "self care time" during which you pull out a journal and write down reasons to affirm that you are valid in upholding your boundaries. 

What to do:

• focus on what's in your control (you can control your own behavior, but you can't control the behavior of others) 

• build self compassionate practices (this can include affirmations, somatic or body based self soothing, or journaling your self validation)

• identify what is and is not okay for you; what are your relationship deal breakers? what makes you feel safe? what makes you feel unsafe?

• self soothe, self soothe, self soothe (as someone that's experienced high stress situations or trauma, you need LOTS of this) 

• seek ongoing support if this stuff feels too hard or too scary to do alone 

What not to do: 

• do not try to control other people; do not try to change them, do not try to force them to treat you with respect

• do not try to share your feelings with people that are unable to empathize

• do not expect others to help you feel better; that's on you (you and the professional helping you through it all) 

• do not ignore your patterns of behavior

• do not judge yourself (you may slip up and do one of these "do not's" but that doesn't mean you should beat yourself up... that'll only slow down your progress) 

Your anxiety is likely tricking you into doubting yourself, feeling guilty, questioning your decisions, speaking to yourself in harmful (or even abusive) ways.  Your trauma is likely throwing you into fight-flight-freeze mode when you encounter stress (because your brain is doing it's best to protect you; it auto-pilot kicks into survival mode).  Your core desire for peace is screaming for help, and you just need to listen... something needs to change.