Why Guilt Kept Winning, Even in Therapy

For years, I believed therapy was helping me overcome guilt and people-pleasing. One well-meaning therapist would often say, “Guilt is for when you’ve done something wrong. Did you do anything wrong?” I usually answered no, and briefly felt lighter. But the relief never lasted. In my next interaction, often with a parent, I would tense up, dragging a heavy knot of guilt into my chest and throat. My mind would spiral again.

What I didn’t see at the time was that this well-intentioned, top-down reassurance was only validating the logical part of me. It bypassed the vulnerable, younger parts that were carrying long-held burdens of shame and responsibility. They weren’t seeking a rational comeback. They needed care, safety, and validation.

In Internal Family Systems (IFS), guilt is often carried by exiled parts. These are parts that hold painful emotions, blame, or shame from childhood. According to IFS creator Dr. Richard Schwartz, every person has a system of internal parts that function to protect us, and when one part holds onto pain, other parts work hard to manage or extinguish that pain. The problem is that many of these systems become rigid over time. Guilt is one of the most persistent burdens carried by exiles, and it often gets misunderstood as a faulty thought pattern when it is really a deeply embedded emotional wound.

When therapists quickly reassure a client that they “did nothing wrong,” they may calm a managerial part temporarily, but they do not reach the exiled part that is still hurting. Attempts to flee or fix the guilt tend to activate the firefighters, which are reactive internal parts that drive anxiety, perfectionism, self-criticism, or withdrawal. These parts are not trying to hurt us. They are doing their best to keep us functioning, but they often do so by suppressing the emotions that most need to be witnessed.

From a somatic perspective, this kind of guilt is not something we can think our way out of. The nervous system does not speak in words. It speaks in sensation, imagery, and pattern. When guilt arises, it often shows up as tightness in the chest, pressure in the throat, or a sinking feeling in the stomach. These sensations are real and immediate, even if our thoughts say we are overreacting. The body is responding to something that feels unresolved, unsafe, or emotionally dangerous.

This is where somatic experiencing, developed by Dr. Peter Levine, becomes essential. Somatic experiencing is a body-based approach to trauma healing that helps people track physical sensations, discharge stored survival responses, and regulate the nervous system over time. Rather than focusing on cognitive reframes, somatic work emphasizes awareness of internal states, gradual pacing, and building capacity to be with difficult emotions without becoming overwhelmed.

When somatic work is combined with IFS, it becomes possible to approach guilt not as something to get rid of, but as a doorway into healing. Instead of trying to rationalize guilt away, we can locate where it lives in the body, notice how it shifts, and make contact with the part holding it. As that part begins to feel seen, rather than silenced, it often softens. From there, we can offer comfort, bring in curiosity, and create space for unburdening.

This process is not fast. It takes repetition, slowness, and internal trust-building. But it works. Clients often begin to report feeling lighter not because someone told them their guilt was irrational, but because they finally allowed the part that carries the guilt to feel heard and cared for.

Somatic Tools to Support Guilt in the Moment

If you find yourself feeling guilty, even when your logical mind tells you there is no reason to, here are some body-based tools to support you:

1. Locate the guilt.
Sit quietly and ask yourself, “Where do I feel this guilt in my body?” Notice whether it feels heavy, tight, warm, or cold.

2. Offer grounding touch.
Place your hand gently over the area where you feel the guilt. Let your body know you are there and that it does not have to hold it alone.

3. Slow your breath.
Instead of trying to push the guilt away, breathe gently with it. Imagine the breath flowing around and through the sensation.

4. Use movement.
Allow yourself to rock, stretch, or sway slowly. Sometimes a simple shift in posture or gentle movement helps energy flow and release.

5. Speak to the part.
In your mind, or aloud, say something like, “I see you. I know you are trying to protect me. You are not bad.” Speak as if the part were a younger version of you needing care.

6. Visualize safety.
Picture a safe place, such as a cozy room, nature setting, or comforting presence. Invite the part holding the guilt to imagine being there with you.

These tools help regulate the nervous system while building relationships with the internal parts that carry guilt. Over time, this allows the guilt to be processed rather than suppressed.

How Therapists Can Take a Bottom-Up Approach to Guilt

For therapists, especially those working with highly sensitive or complex trauma clients, it is important to remember that guilt is not always a distortion. It is often a survival response. Shifting from a top-down to a bottom-up approach means getting curious about what the guilt is protecting and where it lives in the client’s internal system.

Here are a few practical ways to work with guilt from an IFS and somatic lens:

Pause before reframing.
Rather than immediately reassuring the client that they did nothing wrong, slow down and say, “It sounds like there is a part of you that still feels responsible. Can we take a moment to get to know that part?”

Track sensation.
Invite the client to tune into their body. Ask, “Where do you feel that guilt in your body?” or “If that feeling had a shape or texture, what would it be?”

Introduce parts gently.
Say something like, “It makes sense that this part is showing up right now. Let’s see if we can understand what it’s afraid would happen if it didn’t feel guilty.”

Support regulation before insight.
Before going into story or exploration, support the client in grounding and regulating their nervous system. Use co-regulation cues, gentle movement, or breath to create internal safety.

Name protectors and exiles.
Help clients differentiate between their protective parts and the younger, more wounded parts carrying the guilt. This helps reduce shame and increases internal compassion.

Offer pacing.
If the guilt feels overwhelming, use pendulation. Invite the client to go back and forth between the intense feeling and something that feels calm or neutral.

Working with guilt through this lens can be transformative. It gives the emotion purpose, integrates body and mind, and honors the survival strategies that clients have relied on for years.

Resources for Therapists Ready to Go Deeper

If you are a therapist looking to build more confidence in using somatic and parts-based work in your sessions, I offer two ways to support your growth:

1. The Embodied Practice Membership
This is an affordable, email-based membership for therapists who want to deepen their skills in bottom-up work. Every Monday, you receive one somatic strategy, audio demonstration, and practical reflection that you can apply for yourself and your clients. Check it out and sign up here!

2. Live Q&A and Workshop for Therapists
Join me Monday, June 23 at 6:00 PM Pacific Time for a live, 90-minute Q&A and experiential workshop. You’ll learn how to work with guilt, regulate the nervous system in-session, and apply bottom-up interventions to support your clients’ deepest healing. Sign up now and get the replay if you can’t make it live!