It’s Not Better Communication Skills You Need. It’s This.

It’s not always better communication skills that we need. It’s better emotional processing skills, better nervous system regulation skills, and better mindfulness skills.

The thing is, so many of us, even mental health professionals, can “know” all the things intellectually about good communication. Let’s be real, most of us (mental health professional or not) as mature human beings could probably define healthy communication skills pretty well, if asked.

But those same people (us — you and me) fall victim and prey to the communication habits that come in when emotions are high and patience is low.

So if that’s the case, we probably need a lot more than just better communication skills.

If you have strong protective parts within you that get defensive, that shut down or avoid, or that say or do impulsive things you later regret, know this — good communication skills will not stop those protective parts from acting out when they’re triggered.

And it’s nothing to be ashamed of, but it is something to be aware of.

Our systems are constantly adapting to our stress and trauma. And when I say adapting, I’m particularly referring to the survival brain.

There’s a whole science behind this. The hippocampus (your memory center) stores info for future stressful or overwhelming scenarios. Your amygdala scans for those scenarios and then triggers the hypothalamus to start the process of hormone release into the body, which gears us up for fight, flight, or freeze.

The survival brain — which includes the amygdala, hippocampus, and hypothalamus — doesn’t have the capacity for rationality.

Trauma changes the brain. It can lead folks to have a chronically activated amygdala or an amygdala with a major startle response.

Is this making sense? Why rationally understanding good communication doesn’t equal being a good communicator during times of stress?

Let’s talk about what does help.

How to Start Regulating Your Nervous System

Start by recognizing whether your body tends to go into fight, flight, or freeze mode.

Awareness is the first step. Notice how your stress responses actually feel in your body.

Examples:

• Flight: pounding heart, jittery legs, tight stomach

• Fight: tensing in your jaw, shoulders, or fists

• Freeze: heavy feet, foggy head, numbness in the chest

When you can observe these patterns and bring mindful attention to them, you begin creating space. Space to comfort the body. Space to pause. Space to choose how you respond next.

Focusing your attention fully on observing and comforting sensations — even for just a few moments — helps deactivate the default mode network (the part of the brain that keeps you stuck in the past or spiraling about the future).

Here are a few supportive ways to regulate:

Orient and ground through the senses. Look around and name five things you see. Feel the texture of what you’re sitting on. Smell something comforting. Use your senses to gently anchor into the present moment.

Use micro-movements and breath. Deep breathing doesn’t work for everyone, especially in moments of panic or shutdown. Instead, try soft rhythmic breath paired with small, repetitive movements like swaying, tapping your fingers, or lightly bouncing your knees. These gentle actions help cue safety to the nervous system without forcing calm.

Offer warmth to yourself through self-touch. Place a hand on your chest or your belly. Wrap your arms around your torso in a gentle hold. These small gestures send signals of safety and connection back to your system and remind your body it’s not alone.

How to Process Your Emotions Through the Body

Better communication doesn’t come from stuffing emotions down. It comes from making space for them. And the safest way to do that? Through the body.

Somatic processing means giving emotions a home — allowing them to exist, to move, and to eventually pass through us.

To embody an emotion is to experience it fully, without judging or silencing it. That doesn’t mean spiraling or reacting. It means letting the body feel it, express it, and release it in a safe, contained way.

Here’s what that might look like:

If you’re feeling anger:

• Throw a weighted ball at the ground

• Punch a pillow or mattress

• Yell or growl into a towel

• Stomp your feet until you feel some of the heat move

If you’re feeling grief or sadness:

• Rock your body gently while seated

• Wrap your arms around your torso and hold yourself

• Let the tears come. Let sound come. Let your chest move with it

This isn’t about being dramatic. It’s about not abandoning yourself. It’s about letting the energy of the emotion move so you don’t carry it into conversations, relationships, or responses you’ll later regret.

When you embody the emotion, you become the observer of it — not the reactor.

You let it move through you, not at someone else.

And that, more than any communication technique in a workbook, will help you show up with groundedness, clarity, and care.

Mindfulness Skills: Slowing Down Before Reacting

Mindfulness is the bridge between what we know and what we choose.

Without mindfulness, we stay stuck in auto-pilot — repeating the same patterns, reacting from the same wounds, and wondering why nothing changes.

Mindfulness doesn’t mean being perfectly calm or unbothered. It means being aware, moment by moment, of what’s happening inside of you without rushing to fix it, suppress it, or act on it.

When communication feels hard, mindfulness might look like:

• Taking one full breath before responding

• Silently naming what you’re feeling in the moment (ex: “I feel heat in my chest, and I think I’m overwhelmed”)

• Noticing when your body tenses, your voice speeds up, or your thoughts start spinning

• Pausing instead of pushing forward when your nervous system is clearly activated

These small moments of mindful presence help you step out of reaction mode and into self-leadership. Over time, they create space for new responses — ones rooted in clarity, calm, and choice.

Mindfulness isn’t about doing it perfectly. It’s about coming back to yourself again and again, especially when it’s hard.

Final Thought

Communication skills are helpful, but they won’t stick when your nervous system is flooded and your emotions are screaming to be heard.

Start with embodiment.

Start with presence.

Start with regulation.

Then communicate.

Therapists — want help integrating somatic work into your sessions and your own life?

I created Embodied Practice for you.

It’s a low-cost email-based membership that delivers a bite-sized somatic strategy to your inbox every Monday, with demos, prompts, and practical ways to bring this work to your clients and to yourself.

Click this link to learn more and join us.

Your nervous system deserves support, too.